Cloves are for sharing

If I were to paint the insides of my body
I'd use black and blue
they're the saddest colors.
I drove myself to the grave yard and
I smoked a clove all by myself
I don't even like to smoke whole cigs,
but I felt it to be necessary.
I miss my best friend.
She just got a job
at the tanning salon.
She's the only person
that I would want to share my clove with,
but she was working.
It's such a beautiful day out,
but I'm so sad.
I was going to write at the grave yard,
but I left my journal on my bed.
I grabbed a napkin from my glove box
and picked up my pen,
but it was out of ink.
I torn the napkin into shreds and put it back
in the glove box.
I listened to my freshly updated ipod
and finished my cig.
I threw it out the window
still lit
I was hoping for it to catch the grass on fire,
but it just sat there
doing nothing
just like me.
I drove home.

For myself.

J:I hate mornings. I think that they are the most romanticized of all sections of a day.
.......
.....
...
J:I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP.
T:Are you still up?
J:Yessss.... Ugh. What are you doing up still?
T:The normal.
J:Ha. Well you should be cool like me and stay up late and suffer from insomnia. Yay!
T:You broke up with me to go out with Peyton Gertner.
J:...? Um. And why would that subject come up suddenly?
T:I was just thinking about it. I don't understand, .
J: Honestly, sometimes I don't either. But what is meant to happen is meant to happen. I was just thinking about this earlier.
T:I don't know... I think you had bad timing. I just wonder why. I wonder if you were tired of me or something.
J:No. It just seemed like it would ultimately be the best decision on my part. I don't know if it was or not. And yes- it was miserable timing.
T:I don't care too much anymore, I'm just curious as to why and why it was for her.. just because she sounded so different from me. It makes me wonder if you were yourself around me or if you acted a certain way all of the time and finally got tired of it.
J:I think that Peyton has some qualities that help me become a better person, while with you I can have fun being the person that I am, but worry about my life.
T:Hah, I get it, I'm a bad person ;)
J:Well you're more like me. That's for damn sure. That's what I like about you. I've also felt that considering how coincidental our relationship is we're bound to run into each other more than once.
T:I just want to punch you. I was fine before I met you, but now I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to, ... other than China. It sucks.
J:I'm sorry. I suppose you could punch me if you'd like. I would let you. I'm very sorry that I've ruined your life. That is why I'm an awful person.
T:You didn't ruin my life, don't give yourself too much credit. It's just depressing because I can't bring myself to like anyone that I meet. I mean like in general- not even "like like" or whatever. I think that most people are stupid and have bad taste in music.-----I'm good at making things awkward.
J:Ha. You try, don't you? And honestly, I don't feel awkward at all. I have something kind of awkward to ask you.
T: What's that?
J:Would you ever consider "us" ever again?
T:You broke up with me to go out with someone who broke up with you to make out with random guys at Christmas parties...
J:Well apparently I misunderstood her the first time. It was because the whole concept of the jealous boyfriend scared her. Then she realized that I wasn't.
J:I'm just going to say this: You have and hopefully will be a great part of my life and I would hate to lose you completely.
T:I'm scared of you in a way. You're so good at manipulating, you always know the right thing to say to make everything okay. And I wouldn't want to ruin your life for you...
J:I'm very aware of that. I'm kinda not the most stable person. But I must admit that I don't want you to vanish...
.......
.....
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T:Mornings are my favorite part of the day.
Goodnight.

Phthalo Blue

I was painting my gourd phthalo blue while sitting at the edge of my brick sidewalk, and the rain came. It started to pour and the once thick phthalo blue paint dripped on the grass. The door to my house was shut and my hands were covered in a phthalo blue mess. I ran to the creek to clean them off. When I got back to the door the rain had left.

It’s ironic,

I feel like that a lot.

Like you don’t care,

can’t hear,

don’t appreciate.

Like you’re too preoccupied.

It seems like you care about yourself,

and nothing more.

I’m not saying that you’re the only one out there who’s like that.

You’re not.

Everyone’s

world

revolves

around

themselves.

But maybe while you were sitting on that huge rock you could have thought about something other than just yourself.

Maybe you could have considered the fact that I was in the woods,

while doped

immobile, dizzy, zoned out, frozen.

Maybe---

you would realize that I was in the same situation that you were in.

But you didn’t…….

It’s okay, though.

You don’t realize a lot of things.

You don’t notice when I do something nice for you.

Did you know that I bought you a bean burrito that afternoon?

I thought you would be hungry.

And hey,

just out of curiousity,

Did you notice how those incenses I got you for Valentines were moon scent??

Did you realize that it was for your zodiac, you know, Cancer is ruled by the moon…

Probably not, you probably can’t even remember me giving them to you.

That painting I gave you…

I liked it.

Sorry if you didn’t.

I thought you would.

But you didn’t.

I painted it with you in mind.

As in I painted it for you.

Darla wanted it.

I told her it was for you.

I gave it to you

and you thought it was a joke.

You didn’t want it.

You tried to hang it in the hallway,

hoping I wouldn’t tell you to put it in your room.

I didn’t have to,

Tracey did.

Now it’s on your floor,

isn’t it?

But whatever.

It’s not like I care.

I don’t care like you don’t care.

Like you don’t care that I’m too afraid to go inside the building.

And I know we haven’t completely established 3-0-3 yet,

But it only works when you’re actually somewhere,

and in retrospect, we were nowhere.

I stayed there with you.

I wanted to leave.

I stayed there for you.

I thought you would want company.

If you wanted me to leave, then you should have told me.

I would much rather be reading my book about colors, contracting HIV, or painting another stupid fucking picture that you’ll probably hate more than the one before.

Whatever.

It would be better than sitting beside someone who doesn’t appreciate anything you do for them.

& Just so you know

----I already know that you think I am ugly. You don’t have to dance around it.

And we would all like to meet someone who would like to take our picture.

Oh, and maybe someone who would share the mirror instead of grasping their tits and twisting into weird angles trying to find the prime leaning position in which their breasts appear their largest.

People would probably like to be in a band with someone who would be willing to eliminate their first name from the title, cause, you know, you’re not the only one in it.

My feelings are hurt.

They have been hurt for a long time.

You don't need me to poison your tea.

You've done it yourself.

Uh huh.

When I meet someone I like to ask:
If you could have a superpower,
Which superpower would you have?
Their answers tell a lot about them.
It's sad because
nobody I've asked wants to help people.
It's always:
Flying, super strength, or telepathy.
So whatever.
I really can't complain.
I would control time.
What a surprise.